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Worming Your Cat

 

1.   Pick cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop in the pill and allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2.   Retrieve pill from the floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

 

4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for the count of ten.

 

5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

 

6.   Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

 

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

 

8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with just head visible from armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9.   Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take away taste.  Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbours shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving cats head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13.  Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cats mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour half pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye.  Call in furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

 

15.  Arrange for Cats Protection to show you how to do it properly and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.